Yes, those Golden Arches may operate a virtual monopoly on the cheap restaurant market, with 43 per cent of America's fast food consumers and a large chunk of the world biting into its chewy bun daily.

Yes, the food may only be an ergonomically friendly carbohydrate and fat cocktail of oil, starch and meat.

Yes, the restaurant's interiors may recall a 1960s psychological television drama where people find themselves imprisoned in a psychedelic holiday camp, overseen and orchestrated by the mysterious Mr Ronald and his trippy band of mutant foodstuffs, such as Hamburglar and Mayor Cheese, who force upon each inmate endless ersatz joy and plastic-flavoured beef and patty, with crunchy pie for afters.

But, if one sees visiting McDonald's as the savoury equivalent of consuming a plate of profiteroles, then there is plenty to enjoy.

Sick

1. McDonald's will not make you barf. The nuggets may be packed full of beaks, the burgers may be, mostly, squashed intestine and the chips may be soaked in beef flavouring, but there are rare, if no, cases of food poisoning.

On time

2. Ronald does not like unions, but do any restaurants like unions? Players in the food service economy always teeter on the edge of loss; pesky syndicates waving bills of rights make things harder. At least, McDonald's pays on time and, in the developing world, at salaries better than teachers and nurses.

Loss

3. Activists could eat McDonald's out of business, if they wanted. Allegedly, McDonald's Happy Meal is a loss leader. This means that, whenever one buys one of those cardboard boxes full of fries, a burger and a piece of plastic, the company loses money – the fast food firm banks on making a profit out of the adult accompanying the kid, who will hopefully buy a full price meal.

So if, around the world, large numbers of people went into McDonald's and each bought a Happy Meal on a daily basis for a long period, the company would start reporting massive losses. This is McDonald's automatic self-destruct mechanism, its fatal flaw. What is to be done, eh? Crusties of the world unite! Go to McDonald's! Buy six happy meals at once! Bring down capitalism while stuffing your face with fat!

No germs

4. The restaurants may, at times, stink of an overheated playschool on a wet Wednesday afternoon, but, at least, they are clean.

Mindful

5. McDonald's listens to its consumers. The chain will never be a health food store, just as Holland & Barrett will never sell Mr Brain's Faggots. The food will always be high in calories but, following pressure from activist groups, it has introduced a salad option and fruit, all cleanly wrapped in plastic like their Disney tie-ins.

Ronald recycles

6. Paper packaging in McDonald's is almost all recycled. If, after munching on their Big Macs, consumers chuck the paper on the streets, then that is their prerogative.

Aid

7. Doctors recommend the paper bags as an aid to cure panic attacks. Few retailers distribute paper bags anymore, but if you are on a high street and feel heart palpitations, a shortness of breath and an extreme feeling of anxiety, pop into McDonald's, tell the waitress you are having a panic attack and a staff member will immediately issue you with a paper bag in which to breathe. Afterwards, you will not even have to buy so much as a Hot Apple Pie (Caution: Ingredients are hot).

Adaptable

8. Although attempts to change the McDonald's brand to suit local markets may strike the nationals as patronising – there has been the McFiesta in Portugal and the McMaharajah in India – it does make one wonder what will be next. The McMuammar burger in Tripoli, perhaps? Or, on Belgrade's high streets, the McMilosevic?

However, such an approach is considerate, given the fussy nature of some foreign diets, and far more successful and chameleonesque than many brands that have tried to move abroad, such as Burger King, Dunkin' Donuts or Wendy's.

Feed

9. Half a million chickens in Europe may die by Ronald's hand each week, but this helps McDonald's, in the human world, offer cheap food for the sick, old, homeless and poor.

Morning

10. While the Big Breakfast is a sumptuous delight – the bacon sandwiches more than adequate – it is the pancakes and sausage that are truly exceptional.

Drowned in butter with lashings of maple syrup, this is one of the only opportunities foreigners have to sample the high-fat American breakfast treat. Diabetes, obesity, a chronic heart condition? Bring it on. Which leaves only one question: why is the sausage flat?