I bet you did not know I had even heard of the cyberspace. But you would be surprised how much free time I have to try new things. I am a modern man. A new man, you might almost say. I have seen James Oliver on the television. Sometimes, I even use the remotely controlled channel changer, although that nice little girl Jessica has to help me from time to time. Those buttons are fiddly.

While I watch, I think about how I want to give back to the British people something of what Britain has given to me. That is to say, through James, Delia, and, of course, Charles’ lovely Nigella.

Thanks to them, I have had the odd dinner party, not just a political one. What can be better – other than an election victory, of course – than an evening spent cooking for Sandra and any friends that happen to pop over? Although young Boris is not allowed back since he spilled Ribena on Theresa’s white satin shoes, and Lady Thatcher’s dinner conversation is rather, well, scattered these days.

There are ten key ingredients you should never let run low in your larder, or in your governing party. Make sure you have ample supplies of sugar, spice, and all things nice, and slugs, snails, not forgetting puppy dogs’ tails. I know that adds up to six, but do you see how I cut the budget and reduced wasteful kitchen spending?

The best way to start a meal is with a good, healthy soup. I like to include scale of dragon, tooth of wolf, a pinch of witches' mummy, and who could dream of making a decent broth without the maw and gulf of the ravin'd salt-sea shark? I know that sounds like I am asking you to try new things, but really, do they not sound familiar?

That is right, you have had them in power, I mean, for dinner, before! You would be surprised how many of these scary-sounding ingredients are common names for herbs and vegetables that can be found in one of Britain’s beautiful hedgerows. That is, if the Labour Party does not get rid of hedgerows for being too rural. The Tory Party will keep Britain’s hedgerows and all the other noble traditions too. Not that I am going to make any promises that I might one day have to break – only other party leaders do that.

When people go out to eat, or vote for that matter, they like to have something original for their main course, not what they have had for the past eight years. You might almost say they want a new MEAL deal. I like to keep surprising cuts of meat in the freezer section for just such an occasion. I like rabbit. Especially boiled. Of course, I always find it useful to have a nice bottle of Chianti on standby.

I recently discovered a delicious Italian dessert. It is like a curled-up sugary crisp filled with cream cheese. They call it cannoli. I first tried it quite by accident when a fellow left a box of them in the front seat of my car. It was jolly nice of him, whoever he was.

It is very important to get the freshest ingredients from your local market. Mine even delivers directly to my bedroom! We wake up every morning with some horsemeat under the covers, or fishes wrapped in newspaper. You might even say we sleep with the fishes! Me and Sandra, I mean, not the Tory Party.